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He also strove to monopolize my time - an easy accomplishment since my mother left for work before I awoke and didn't return until evening. During the school year, this meant Gary had me all to himself for an hour each morning and at least three hours every afternoon. Once summer came, he had me all day, every day, all to himself. This meant being subjected to daily "training sessions" - intense periods when I was explicitly instructed on how to behave and think like a slave.

Much like a dog must be trained to sit, to stay, to heel, practitioners of sadomasochism believe a sex slave must be trained in how to speak, sit, serve. In short, like a dog, she must be taught total obedience. Gary's dungeon was in the basement.

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Instead, he left a series of nails and hooks attached to the ceiling beams, which could quickly and easily hold a harness, a rope or some other type of bondage device. While much of Gary's paraphernalia had to be kept hidden, I could tell he also had some fun in displaying a few tools of his trade. The dog cage, for instance, was left in plain sight - folded up in a cluttered corner where it appeared to be waiting for the next garage sale.

He also kept a wooden paddle hanging on the wall of his home office, which he jokingly told guests was for "errant children. Nor did most people realize that he kept a set of metal handcuffs in his desk drawer, right next to a stun gun and his handgun.

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I can't remember being threatened with the gun - although it may have happened. Due to amnesia, as well as the normal forgetfulness of memory, there are many details about my abuse I can't recall.

I know this because, over the years, eyewitnesses have told stories about my abuse that I cannot personally remember.

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I do, however, remember Gary threatening me with the stun gun repeatedly. He even used it on me once. Once was all it took.

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For after experiencing the excruciating, utterly indescribable pain it inflicted, I never, ever wanted to experience it again. When he wasn't hurting me, he lavished me with parental attention. On the long drives to and from school, he would initiate conversations about history, politics and art. We ate nearly every meal together while he instructed me on things like table manners and ethnic cuisine.

He gave me my first typewriter and influenced my decisions to become both a writer and psychologist. He took the time to open up the world for me.

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He was my first and most significant mentor. Under my mother's care, I'd been neglected and deprived. She was constantly at work, leaving me alone and lonely.

Gary preyed on that loneliness. Like any skilled pedophile, he identified what I needed, and he gave it to me. He made me feel special, talented, smart.

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Even sexually, staying on Gary's good side had its advantages. For once he felt I had become sufficiently trained and submissive, most of the torture tapered off.

Afternoons in the basement were replaced by the bedroom. And his fervor to cause me pain was replaced with a passion to bring me pleasure. I suspect it made him feel powerful - like more of a man. Nearly every day at 4 p.

The weird part, of course, was that his "lover" was just under four feet tall and weighed less than 60 pounds. There was also the inconvenient fact that his official lover, my mother, refused to vanish.

Unable to ditch her physically, he did it emotionally instead.

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Every evening, he locked himself in his home office. Every weekend, he went to his store. As I was expected to work for him, I followed wherever he went. Very early on, my mother began to notice this pattern, and she didn't like it. Not one bit. Being immature, she didn't handle the situation with grace.

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She felt excluded, which she was. So she began to yell a lot, mostly at me.

One particular Saturday morning we had probably been living with Gary for about six weeksI was in the bathroom getting dressed for the flea market, just as I did every weekend. But my mother wasn't happy, so she stood in the doorway, whining. You oughta be staying home with me. Just then, Gary came into the hall.

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My mother cornered him. Gary, as always, remained calm during my mother's onslaught. Nonchalantly, he remarked, "Why don't you let Mooch decide what she wants to do today?

She's perfectly capable of choosing. With one quick remark, he had abdicated all responsibility for the situation. Instead, all blame was now placed squarely on me. At 8 years old, I was being asked to choose between my mother and Gary. It was not a real decision, of course.

Gary knew this. If I chose Gary, he would immediately whisk me away from my mother's ranting - and probably offer some kind of reward. But if I chose my mother, there would be no one to protect me from Gary. Crossing him would mean paying for my sins.

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So, I chose Gary, and my mother flew into a jealous rage. I'm your mother! You're staying with me!

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But Gary was already whisking me out the door. It was with this kind of scene that Gary was able to drive a wedge between my mother and me.

I am certain that if Gary could've gotten rid of my mother entirely, he would have.

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He lobbied hard to adopt me, but my mother resisted. Despite being naive in many ways, she knew that if Gary became my legal parent, he would dump her and seek full custody. Thankfully, she never fell for the trap. Still, I'm astonished that she chose to stay with a man whose deepest desire was to kick her to the curb and steal her young daughter. Personally, I know for a fact that Gary considered me his true lover.

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I know because he told me so. When he said it, I didn't quite know what to think. I knew he meant it as a compliment because he said it so often and with such pointed intensity. But my 8-year-old brain simply could not grasp that this year-old man saw me as his mate. When you're reading online erotica, you're able to use your imagination and creativity to live out the senarios in your mind.

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